Author:  Maria Alfano-Huggins

Sometimes, you might find yourself stuck in unhelpful habits or patterns that seem hard to break. For women and especially for older women, self-sabotage can take different forms, from not prioritizing your own needs to putting off goals that once seemed important. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free and living a more fulfilling life.

Most Commonly Asked Questions

What are some common self-sabotaging behaviors and how can I recognize them?

Common self-sabotaging behaviors include procrastination, negative self-talk, and avoiding challenges. Have you ever looked in the mirror and scolded or berated the person staring back at you?  Or, have you caught yourself making excuses or doubting your abilities when faced with new tasks, knowing full well that you used to thrive on learning new things? Recognizing these patterns can help you take the first steps toward change.

Can cognitive behavioral therapy help with self-sabotaging, and what does it involve?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a useful tool. It involves identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with healthier ones. A therapist can help you learn techniques to interrupt these patterns and build more constructive habits. It will take work, patience and persistence to make lasting changes.

Why might someone fall into self-sabotaging patterns, and what underlying issues contribute to it?

Self-sabotage often stems from fear of failure, low self-esteem, or past trauma. These issues can lead to behaviors that prevent progress. Do you find that you are blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, relationship, or career?  Even if it has nothing to do with you somehow you rationalize that you must have had a hand in things going badly.

How can I break free from a cycle of self-sabotage?

Start by setting small, achievable goals and focus on one change at a time. Building new routines takes practice, but consistency is key. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can also provide encouragement and accountability.  Most importantly, you need to draw on your inner strength and believe that you can make these small changes…one at a time.

How can I take to forgive myself after realizing I’ve been self-sabotaging?

Easy to say but not so easy to accomplish – simply to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge past behaviors without playing them on repeat in you head. Reflect on what you’ve learned, and use that knowledge to move forward. A little self-compassion goes a long to helping you let go of guilt and focus on growth.

Why Women Self-Sabotage – Simple Tips to Stop the Madness

Self-sabotage can be tricky, especially for older women trying to make positive life changes. Knowing what behaviors to look for, how to break free, and how to support loved ones can make a big difference.

Imagine if you could replace negative self-talk with encouraging thoughts and become your own biggest cheerleader. What would you say to the person staring back at you in the old looking glass?  How could you give that image the boost it needs to keep going?  You have the power to change the way you view yourself and your capabilities. By making small, positive changes in your daily routine, you can start to see improvements and build a more positive mindset.

Start with a simple, “good morning beautiful!”  You don’t have to believe it at first but as you keep saying it every morning, you will start to notice the subtle changes in your attitude toward yourself.  Experts say that your mind will believe and achieve (in due time) exactly what you tell it on a regular basis.

Journaling can be another helpful tool. By writing down your thoughts and feelings, you can start to notice patterns in your behavior and figure out where they come from. Understanding the reasons behind your self-sabotage can help you make better choices for yourself.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage can feel confusing. It happens when you get in your own way, stopping yourself from reaching goals. In the blink of an eye you woke up and life is now in the fourth quarter.  You feel like you have limited time left and so much that you did not accomplish.  Now you feel like there is no point.  Everyone else’s goals and aspirations are more important than yours.  This might seem strange, but you’re not alone—many people unknowingly do this.

Think about times when you procrastinate even though a deadline is coming up. Maybe you want a promotion but don’t apply for the job. These actions are self-sabotage.

The Factors

Reasons for self-sabotage vary. It could be fear of failure, fear of success, or even negative self-talk. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to change.

Fear of Failure

• Fear of Failure: You might avoid taking risks because failing seems too scary.  Remember, it’s normal for everyone to experience failure at some point. The only way to get better at anything is to fail. If you don’t get that promotion this time, find out why so you can make the necessary changes the next time the opportunity arises.  To tackle this, recognize it’s okay to fail sometimes. Each failure teaches you something valuable. Focusing on learning from these experiences can shift your mindset.

Fear of Success

• Fear of Success: Success can bring more responsibility, which might feel overwhelming.  Start by acknowledging your fear. Reflect on why success makes you uneasy. Knowing your worth is crucial. Surround yourself with supportive people who remind you of your strengths. It’s also helpful to celebrate small successes and boost your self-belief. Over time, you can become more comfortable with the idea of succeeding. Often my husband and I joke about the fear we had when we first started investing in international real estate properties.  We always asked ourselves, “What if our offer gets accepted??”  That was a truly silly question now that we look back.  The whole point was to SUCCEED in the process so why were we so afraid of it?  The unknown truly is scary.

Negative Self-Talk

• Negative Self-Talk: This is when that little voice in your head says you’re not good enough.  That person in the mirror that you berate or scold is you!  We can very easily say awful things to ourselves so why is saying something nice so difficult?

Low Self-Esteem

• Low Self-Esteem – can lead you to spiral into the depths of doubt in your capabilities. Do you feel you don’t deserve good things or worry about how others perceive you? This can make you limit yourself and shy away from opportunities.  Are you shying away from invitations from family and friends because you feel like you really aren’t good enough to join the celebrations?  Are you feeling like a fraud knowing the smile on your face is there only to ward off unwanted questions?  Building self-esteem takes work but is important. Start by recognizing your worth and talents. Create a list of your strengths and refer to it often. Seek constructive feedback and learn from it, rather than letting it bring you down. Moreover, consider speaking with a therapist for guidance. Therapy can offer insights and help improve your self-image.

Reflect on these feelings. Understanding these causes is important.

To move forward, practice being kind to yourself. Challenge negative thoughts. Replace them with positive affirmations. For example, when you think “I can’t do this,” change it to “I will do my best.”  Change your words and you can change your outcomes.

Don’t forget to celebrate small wins. Each step forward matters. You’re on a path to overcome self-sabotage and succeed in your goals. Wins don’t have to be difficult.  Share a text with a friend about your accomplishment.  Write a positive note in your journal.  Open a bottle of your favorite chianti and just revel in the victory.

Self-Sabotaging Behaviors in Older Women

Older women might experience self-sabotage due to various psychological reasons. These can include fears related to both failure and success, as well as issues stemming from low self-esteem. Understanding these roots can help in finding better ways to overcome self-sabotage.

Navigating through life’s stages can sometimes bring about self-sabotaging behaviors. For older women, it might manifest as setting impossible standards, delaying important tasks, or engaging in harsh self-talk.  It doesn’t help that the hormonal changes for those 50+ play havoc on your whole body.  If you try to pinpoint when the negativity started, you can likely tie it back to the start of perimenopause.

Common Behaviors

1. Perfectionism – can be a major roadblock. You seem to be setting high, often unattainable goals and are overly critical when they aren’t met. You might find yourself constantly redoing tasks or doubting your achievements.  For older women, this might mean feeling unsatisfied with personal or professional milestones, believing you never measure up. This constant striving can lead to anxiety and burnout.  To tackle it, you could learn to set more realistic goals and celebrate progress. Understanding that mistakes are part of learning might help shift your mindset.  Break those massive tasks into smaller, achievable bite-sized steps that make them feel less daunting. Celebrate those small wins to motivate you to keep moving forward.
2. Procrastination – is another common form of self-sabotage. This has you putting off tasks that need attention, maybe because they feel overwhelming or challenging. You find yourself delaying decisions or actions, in the hopes that they’ll magically get easier. For older women, this could relate to health, financial planning, or pursuing new opportunities. Procrastination can lead to unnecessary stress, as tasks pile up and become more daunting over time. Trying to prioritize tasks by importance and urgency might help. Creating a schedule or daily To Do list with 2 or 3 key items on it could give you a clearer path to follow. Recognize why you might be delaying tasks. Sometimes those smaller bite-sized pieces will reduce feelings of being overwhelmed.
3. Negative Self-Talk – is an internal dialogue with harsh judgments or critical thoughts about yourself. It’s telling yourself you aren’t good enough or doubting your abilities. Older women might use negative self-talk, believing they can’t change or improve. This can affect self-esteem and limit opportunities for growth. Challenging negative thoughts when they arise can be one approach. You might replace them with more positive or constructive statements. Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of your strengths and achievements can help shift the narrative. Engaging in activities that boost confidence can also encourage more positive self-perceptions.

Challenging Unhealthy Mindsets

Developing a healthy mindset can change how you view yourself and your actions. By focusing on kindness towards oneself and shifting negative thoughts, you can break free from patterns of self-sabotage.  I know, trust me, I know…easier said than done.  Baby steps is all you need.  And, it’s really ok to have small set backs along the way.  No one is perfect and no road is 100% straight.  Life has twists and turns and so will this journey to stop the madness of self-sabotage.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Being kind to yourself is crucial. You are your own harshest critic, leads you right to those darn self-defeating behaviors. To combat this, focus on treating yourself with the same care you would offer a friend. You wouldn’t talk to your bestie in a way that hurts their feelings so do it to yourself?  Think about that old saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  Do you want others to treat you with such disdain?  Not likely, so be nice and give yourself a break.

Consider keeping a journal where you write about moments when you feel down. Everyone has a smart phone these days.  If you can’t put pen to paper then put fingers to keyboard and type out those feelings into your cell’s notes section.  Go back and read them later and reflect on them with a compassionate lens. This practice can help you understand that everyone makes mistakes.  This may sound weird, but I still have my journals from when I was a younger version of myself.  I often go back and read my entries.  It’s awe-inspiring to see who I was versus who I am today.

Incorporating mindfulness practices, like meditation, can also boost self-compassion.  While your mind drifts to places far from the point of meditation, it helps you realize that there needs to be some time to stop the spinning in your mind even if for a few fleeting moments.  This helps you stay present and reminds you that you are more than your flaws.

Affirmations can also be a powerful tool. Try these three very powerful ones, “I am grateful,” “I am enough” or “I deserve kindness.”

Reframing Thoughts

Negative thoughts can become a barrier to your happiness. Instead of letting these thoughts control you, try questioning them. Ask yourself if they are based on facts or just assumptions.  Are you looking for an excuse to bring yourself down, or did something really happen that made you feel this way.

• Real – you dropped a family heirloom shattering it in hundreds of tiny pieces. This could be a legitimate reason to be upset with yourself – for a little while.  You are not a failure because you broke something.  Who hasn’t dropped a thing or two in their lifetime?
• Excuse – An excuse would be, “I look horrible in anything I wear.  I can’t embarrass my partner by going with them to the gala.”  You refuse to go to the party because you perceive that others have an opinion of you that really does not exist except in your own mind.

Challenge the validity of these thoughts by looking for evidence that contradicts them. For instance, if you think, “I’ll never be good enough,” list out times when you successfully accomplished something challenging.  Turn that, “I don’t want to be an embarrassment,” into my husband loves me for who I really am not what I think I am.  He is proud to have me on his arm.  Using cognitive-behavioral techniques, replacing negative thoughts with neutral or positive ones can ultimately lead to more positive outcomes and a healthier mindset.

Shift your perspective. View difficult situations as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks. This approach not only changes the mental narrative but also encourages personal development.  Throw that saying of you can’t teach a old dog new tricks out the window.  You are never too old to learn something new.  I look at my own mother whose strength amazes me every single day.  She learned to use a computer for the first time at age 75 and learned to use an iPhone at the age of 80.  She is the inspiration that keeps me going.  Choose someone in your life that inspires you to keep inching forward and to shed the unwanted negativity.

Building Supportive Habits

Older women benefit from building habits that support positive change. Setting realistic goals and creating routine are key aspects for stopping self-sabotage. It’s important to make these habits a part of your daily life to ensure lasting change.  Retirement can be difficult since the daily or weekly routines of getting up, going to work, looking forward to connections at the job no longer exists.  This leaves you with too much time on your hands, not enough things to fill that time, which leads to the negative impulses.

Setting Realistic Goals

Start by identifying what you want to achieve and break it down into smaller, manageable steps. Focus on specific and measurable goals rather than vague aims. Instead of saying you want to be healthier, decide to walk for 20 minutes three times a week. Set up a meal plan and cook ahead. Find a hobby that keeps your mind active too, whether it be painting, origami, crochet, or golf. The less free time you have the less time you will spend belittling yourself.  And, you might find that you are a good person and you actually like spending time with yourself:-)

It’s important that your goals are attainable based on your current lifestyle. Setting goals that are too high can lead to frustration and can cause you to give up.  Imagine, you never picked up a golf stick (eh emmm..club) in your life.  You can’t expect to be the next Tiger Woods in just a couple of weeks.  It will take lots of practice.  Perhaps your first goal should be to connect that dang stick with the ball.

Make adjustments along the way, and celebrate small wins to stay motivated. It’s about progress, not perfection. This approach makes it easier to see your improvement and keeps you moving forward without overwhelming yourself.

Creating Routine

Establishing a routine can be very helpful because it reduces the need to constantly make decisions about what to do next. It also makes it easier to incorporate new habits into your day. Begin by setting a regular time for your activities.

Lets see what a routine could look like

• Get up at 7 am
• Go for walk by 7:15 am
• Meditate at 8:00 for 15 minutes
• Coffee with friends every Wednesday at 10:00 am
• Shopping on Thursdays at 1:00 pm

Consider using a planner or an app to schedule your tasks. Most smartphones these day have excellent built-in calendars that will keep you organized.  This way, you have a visual reminder of your plan. Stick to your routine as closely as possible, but allow for some flexibility.

Incorporate activities that bring you joy, so your routine feels rewarding and not burdensome. Remember, it’s about creating a balance that suits your life and keeps you on track towards your goals.

Embracing Change with Age

Adapting to life’s changes can be empowering and open up new opportunities. Setting new goals and embracing your journey are key steps to enjoying life as you age.

As you age, your life experiences change and evolve. Moving through these changes can be smoother if you stay open-minded  Leaving your job or dealing with new health changes can feel overwhelming. Facing these transitions with recognition and acceptance helps you grow.

Start by practicing mindfulness. This means focusing on the present moment rather than stressing about what’s to come. Regular activities like walking or meditating can help ground you. These activities also maintain your sense of self, even as everything else shifts.

Social connections are also important. Friends and family offer support and comfort during transitions. Sharing experiences with others who understand what you’re going through can provide relief and encouragement. In my younger years, I loved to go dancing every weekend. Now I prefer an evening with family and friends. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a different thing.

Redefining Goals with Age

As you grow older, your goals might need to change. What inspired you in younger years might not fit your current desires or abilities. Embrace this chance to set new, meaningful goals. Being a prima ballerina may no longer be in your grasp because your aging aching muscles don’t flex like they used to.

Reflect on what truly matters to you now. Do you want to learn a new skill or perhaps travel? This might be the perfect time to dust off your dream of living abroad and become an expat in a foreign land. Prioritize activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Journaling can help clarify these thoughts and make them tangible.

Setting achievable milestones is important. Instead of broad, long-term goals, focus on smaller steps you can take right now. This approach makes goals less intimidating and more attainable. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small, to stay motivated.  For that dream of retiring abroad these could be some of the small steps to take:

1. Determine which countries are of interest to you?
2. Research each country online
3. Book a vacation to see one or two of your top countries
4. Understand the local culture
5. Make a list of what you like and don’t like about each country
6. Create a short list of favorites to explore further.

Seeking Professional Help

Turning to professionals can be a great way to address self-sabotage. This can include talking to a therapist or exploring coaching and workshops tailored to your needs.  If you are old school, then seeing a therapist usually carries an unfortunate stigma.  Do yourself a favor and think about taking care of your mental health in the same way you would take care of other parts of your body. To heck with the old school way of thinking.  Put yourself first.  Focusing on your mental health can greatly reduce self-sabotaging thoughts.

• Begin with mindfulness practices like meditation or deep breathing exercises. These activities help calm the mind and let you stay present, minimizing anxiety about past or future events.
• Journaling can be a powerful tool. Writing down feelings and thoughts can provide insight into self-sabotaging patterns and offer clarity. Positive affirmations can also retrain your brain to focus on strengths rather than perceived weaknesses.

Don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Therapy can offer guidance in overcoming deeply rooted habits. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in changing negative thought patterns, helping you regain control over your actions and emotional health.

Therapy Options

Seeing a therapist could help you uncover the underlying reasons for self-sabotage. You might consider different types of therapy like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which focuses on changing negative thought patterns.

Talking to a therapist provides a safe space to explore your thoughts and behaviors. It can be comforting to know there’s an expert helping you navigate these feelings. Group therapy could also be a good fit, where you can connect with others facing similar struggles.

Finding the right therapist is important. Consider factors like the therapist’s experience with women’s issues, their communication style, and whether you feel comfortable with them. Personal rapport goes a long way in making therapy successful.

Coaching and Workshops

Coaching and workshops can offer practical strategies and support tailored to your personal goals. Life coaches help you identify barriers and create action plans to overcome them.  Remember, you are getting “younger,” you’re not dead.  It is ok to set goals and work towards something.  If you’re 8 or 88, it only makes sense that you want have new achievements.

Many workshops focus on self-improvement techniques to combat self-sabotage. They might include activities like goal-setting exercises or mindfulness training. Participating in a workshop with peers can foster a sense of community.  Getting together with a group of folks that are at different stages of overcoming self-sabotage is a great way to see how the road to recovery may look for you.

When choosing a coach, look for someone with a proven track record in helping women overcome self-sabotage. Online directories or personal referrals could be good starting points. You could also look for workshops offered by reputable organizations that specialize in personal development. This structured guidance can be a powerful tool in moving past self-limiting habits.

Nourishing Body and Mind

Taking care of both your body and mind is crucial for overcoming self-sabotage. This includes incorporating physical wellness into your routine and adopting mental health practices that support emotional well-being.

Physical Wellness

I know what you’re thinking.  Ughhh!  Exercise.  But, it’s important to focus on physical health, which can help improve your overall mood and well-being. Start by engaging in regular exercise that you enjoy, like walking, yoga, or swimming. These activities boost endorphins, reduce stress, and keep your body strong and energy levels high.

When you’ve been around this long, you have seen many meal trends come and go – low fat, low sodium, the Mediterranean diet, Atkins, cabbage soup and so many more. Just make sure to eat a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. Staying hydrated and getting enough sleep also play key roles in keeping your body functioning well. Limit intake of processed foods and alcohol, as these can negatively impact your energy and mood.

Integrating small lifestyle changes can make a big difference. Consider setting simple, achievable goals for your physical health. Whether it’s drinking more water daily or adding extra steps to your routine, these actions can gradually lead to a healthier lifestyle.

Fostering Positive Relationships

Growing older makes some people feel isolated. Maybe you’re moving a little slower than you used.  Maybe, your family live far away.  Or, maybe you have convinced yourself that no one wants you around. Building and maintaining strong relationships can play a big role in overcoming self-sabotage. It’s important to engage in community activities and cultivate a network of supportive friends. These steps can greatly enhance your well-being and confidence.

Community Engagement

Getting involved in your community can open doors to new friendships, support, and opportunities. Participating in local events like art classes, book clubs, or volunteer projects helps to create a sense of belonging. Volunteer at the local hospital. Walk dogs for your neighbors. Sign up for the community center art classes.  Whatever your interests are, there will be free or almost free classes you can attend. Joining activities that interest you connects you with like-minded people.

Forming bonds within community groups provides emotional support and a positive environment. You may find encouragement and motivation through shared experiences. This involvement not only combats isolation but also builds a network you can rely on during challenging times.

Even small steps like attending neighborhood gatherings or supporting local causes can make a big difference. Community engagement helps you feel more connected and offers a sense of purpose. Plus, it’s a great way to meet people who inspire you and bring joy into your life.

Healthy Social Networks

Cultivating a healthy social network involves surrounding yourself with positive and supportive individuals. It’s important to have friends who uplift you and share common values. Make time for meaningful conversations and activities with those who boost your happiness.

Avoid toxic relationships that drain your energy or contribute to self-doubt. This could be a problem when the person who is shedding toxicity happens to be your life partner. Focus on creating new friendships where there’s mutual respect and understanding. Building strong, positive connections allows you to grow and learn from others’ strengths.

Consider setting boundaries with those who consistently bring negativity. It’s ok to tell someone to stop pushing their bad attitude into your life.  They may not even be aware of how they are making you feel.  Conversation is important.  Prioritize those who encourage your development and celebrate your successes. By nurturing healthy relationships, you create a strong foundation for personal growth and resilience against self-sabotaging behaviors.

Celebrating Achievements and Milestones

We are quick to congratulate or tell a loved one how proud you are of them.  Why not be kind to yourself too? Recognizing your achievements is a vital part of personal growth. Celebrating even small victories can boost your confidence and motivation. Reflect on each milestone as a step forward.

Why Celebrate?

• Boosts Self-Esteem: Every accomplishment, big or small, reinforces that you’re capable.
• Encourages Progress: Celebrating helps maintain momentum and encourages you to keep moving forward.

How to Celebrate:

• Create a Milestone Journal: Write down your achievements and how they made you feel.
• Share with Friends or Family: Talking about your successes with loved ones can strengthen bonds.

Ideas for Celebration:

• Treat yourself to a favorite activity or meal.
• Spend time doing something relaxing or creative, like painting or gardening.

Celebrating isn’t just about recognizing the past. It’s also about setting intentions for the future. Consider how you can build on these successes. Believe in your ability to achieve more.  Find ways to mark these moments. Hosting a small gathering or simply allowing yourself time to enjoy what you’ve accomplished can be both rewarding and empowering. Always remember that every step is progress, and progress is worth celebrating.

In Summary – Stop the Self-Sabotage Madness

Taking care of everyone else is second nature, along with putting yourself last.  It’s embarrassing and impolite to put your needs first.  How many times have you heard or said these phrases?  Herein lies the beginning of self-sabotage for women.  Many of us were raised to put ourselves last but this needs to stop.

The isolation that comes with these thoughts can be debilitating for many.  Taking care of your mental health is just as, if not more important than, taking care of the rest of your body.

Do yourself a favor and ignore that little voice in your head telling you that seeking help is a form of weakness.  If you could handle it on your own, you would have already solved the problem.  While waiting for that important appointment, engage in community activities, take classes, journal your thoughts.  Small steps, one at a time, will help you to stop the self-sabotage madness.

Other Posts You Might Enjoy:

• Ways to Better Self-Love – A Journey From Within
• Embracing Your Inner Peace – the Essence of Aging Gracefully

 

 

 

all images from Canva