Author: Maria Alfano
Growing older with my aging parents, I knew I would eventually be faced with dealing with loss. I just had no idea how intensely this would impact me. Grief and loss are a natural part of existing and humanity. While expected, it doesn’t make coping with the loss of a loved one any easier.
Loss is experienced in so many different ways that it can become overwhelming no matter what age.
Losing Dad in 2019, left a huge hole in our hearts. He was a loving family man, husband, father, grandfather, and the patriarch of the extended family. Dealing with the loss of a father figure was an unknown pain until it hit home. I wish I never belonged to this club.
I had no real coping mechanism to deal with the loss of my personal hero. The end was coming as he had been diagnosed with metastatic prostate and bone cancer. Making his last year as comfortable as possible was our focus ensuring it was full of love, laughter, and great memories. We spent so much time with Dad and I have no regrets – a blessing in disguise. Surrounded by the whole family, including the dog, Dad was not alone on the final day. He passed peacefully in his sleep on that fateful morning. The hardest part was watching Mom’s sorrow as she whispered to him, “You left me without even saying goodbye!”
This post is about the impacts of loss and grief on the brain, the stages of grief, and ways of dealing with loss.
Dealing With Loss Of A Loved One – How To Cope & Heal From The Physical & Emotional Pain
The physical and emotional trauma of the loss of a loved one can take over one’s life and how one deals with this grief differs by individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And, there is no designated time limit to grief. Never compare yourself to someone else and never feel that you have to experience your grief the same way as your family and friends do. Loss and grief are as unique as your own fingerprints.
Grief, Loss & The Brain
Before we can determine how to manage our grief, we should first understand the impact of loss and grief from the brain. Our limbic system is responsible for our survival instincts. It controls our desire for food, to take care of our young, and our memory. It is responsible for our emotions of fear and anger through our fight or flight instincts.
The pre-frontal cortex, on the other hand, is our decision-making control mechanism. It manages our cognitive thinking, inhibitions, and together with the limbic system is responsible for our memory.
As we approach midlife, our brain shrinks in size (approximately 5% every 10 years for people over 40). This greatly impacts our memory and cognitive functions. Diminishing hormones that feed the brain can cause dealing with loss to be more painful as we age.
Symptoms of Grief
Believe it or not, grief and dealing with loss cause physical problems for those of us left behind. Grief worsens inflammation, increases blood pressure, and makes existing ailments worse. Early-onset dementia patients rapidly decline in health when they are faced with the loss of a loved one.
Some of the physical changes folks dealing with loss can experience include anxiety, muscle tension, loss of appetite, disruption in sleep patterns, nausea, and fatigue.
Stages of Grief
There are 7 identified stages of grief that are common to all who are dealing with loss.
Phase 1 -The Loss
1 – Shock & Denial – this can’t be happening. Having trouble accepting they are gone. And, there is no way this is true. Does this sound familiar? You are not alone. This is the first stage of dealing with grief.
This stage took a stronghold on me for weeks. Although Dad was ill and we knew his passing was imminent, the shock of watching him go, was surreal. It was as though this was happening to someone else.
2 – Pain & Guilt – there is a physical pain associated with losing a loved one – chest pain, nausea, and tense muscles to name a few. The worst pain is dealing with the guilt of being left behind. Why them? Why am I still here? How come I am left to deal with this?
I struggled with the pain of losing my hero. It was rough that he would no longer be coming home and that Mom would be all alone in their house. Thankfully, I was blessed with not feeling guilty. Since I was not working as I spent as much time as I could with Dad, taking him to appointments, making memories, and plenty of family meals together. Dad loved sitting at the table with his whole family. We were able to give him lot’s of that in those last months.
Phase two – Emotions
3 – Anger & Bargaining – becoming angry not only with those around you but with your loved one who has passed and with your faith. Why did you leave!! How could you do this to me? God, why would you take them away from me? I wasn’t ready for them to leave. In bargaining, you start to request compromises – if I do this… then you can give me that…
Anger was a big part of my grief. I couldn’t believe that God would let a man so loving, caring, and one who did so much for others suffer in his last year and then take him away so much sooner than doctors anticipated. When I think about it all these months later, it still makes me angry and the tears flow.
4 – Depression – settles in from the recent stress of the loss. Mild or severe, it should be managed through your physician. If left untreated it could lead to worse issues down the road.
Thankfully, depression never took hold of Mom after losing her partner of more than 60 years. We showered her with love and attention and one of us was always around her. Growing up, we were not allowed any pets, but my son’s dog was the best therapy Mom could have to recover from the loss. His unconditional love helped Mom cope. Dogs really are man’s best friend. Mom was sad, but Tuco brought so much joy that she never fell into depression.
Phase 3 -Moving Forward
5 – Upward Turn – at some point when you really aren’t paying attention, the grief starts to lessen and things start to look brighter.
We all kinda let things fall around us for the first year and then without warning, we started gardening (Dad’s favorite pastime), renovating our homes (Dad’s side hustle), and taking care of each other. Things were looking bright as we did things in Dad’s memory. We hope you are proud of us Dad.
6 – Reconstruction & Working Through – dealing with the issues that caused the loss. How can you prevent this from happening again?
Dad’s cancer was a wake-up call for all of us. We finally started looking at our health and wellness more closely to ensure we did not have history repeat itself. We changed our exercise routines and medical practitioners were engaged to help turn our lives around.
7 – Acceptance & Hope – gone but not forgotten. You realize that life goes on and there are so many people around you that love you and need you.
Coming together as a family and reminiscing about Dad and his famous little sayings helped us all heal and move forward. 
Normal vs complicated grief
Grief is a “normal” reaction to any kind of loss. But, did you know that there are two kinds of grief?
NORMAL Grief – includes the sense of loss, tears, sorrow, difficulty sleeping, change in appetite. These are all common and somewhat expected symptoms of normal grief. They ebb and flow and eventually subside so that life can return to a semblance of normalcy.
COMPLICATED Grief – a more extreme version of grief that can require medical attention. Complicated grief carries with it anger that quickly turns to rage. It has you obsessing over the loss. Overwhelming sadness often leads to self-destructive and suicidal behaviors.
Dealing With Loss
We managed through the first year and beyond after Dad left us using these methods.
Celebrate – we continued to gather as a family and celebrate special occasions like Christmas, Dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of his passing. We know how much family meant to him and by doing this we continue to honor his memory and his wishes.
Triggers – there are things that come across that will trigger the memory. It could be a special place, a favorite scent, the last meal together, or a picture. For me, it is a song, and every time I hear it I cry. I don’t change the station, I listen to it because it is allowing my broken heart to heal.
Fitness – physical fitness helps your emotional health too. The hormones released while working out, are good for vanquishing depression and sorrow. In my case, I love gardening. It is not only good exercise but it makes me feel closer to Dad since he loved to putz around in the garden.
Be creative – find ways to express yourself. While taking selfies is all the rage, photography can be very therapeutic. Find a subject you like and snap away. You could be the next Picasso! You can paint, garden, keep a journal of your memories, or become involved in your community. I found that adult coloring books were a good outlet for me. For a few minutes, while the colors transformed the page, my mind got a respite from grief as I focussed only on the subject in front of me. Check out these awesome paint by number kits from “Paint N Chill” that will be sure to take your mind off things for a little bit. I wish I had them at the time. Find them on Instagram by simply clicking on the pic below.
In Conclusion
There are so many ways to deal with loss but first and foremost you need to acknowledge that this is your pain and how you deal with it is right for you. Because your sister cried more tears or your husband didn’t cry at all, doesn’t make their way any better or worse than yours when dealing with the loss. Only you know how you feel. Don’t stress yourself out wondering what others will think of the way you are dealing with loss and coping with the grief. Let the feelings flow as they may, when they may, and how they may. It’s all part of healing and moving forward.
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